German/Prussian Empire:
Why:
Because after the Prussian-Austrian War until World War II the Germans kicked ass! This was the army that all others were
based. When the Japanese were looking for a model for their army then didn’t go to France, they went to Germany. These
guys were so efficient the Japanese would have trouble keeping up. But alas over ambitious warmongering leaders drove Germany
through the pits of hell, back up, and back down again. While still a regional power the new hippy approved Germany rather
solve problems politically than with guns and genocide.
Why
not: Because besides beating up on has beens like Austria-Hungary and France these guys never one a serious war, remember
they lost WWI and its box office hit sequel. Also outside of Europe no one was worried about a German army marching through
country. Really outside of Germany and its border states German political influence was insignificant. They didn’t have
the world wide influence that all the other nations have or had. So sadly despite being a great military and a great villain
they world hadn’t seen since the Huns (which are Germans anyways), they didn’t have the territorial conquest nor
the long list of wars won that they others had. Even though I’d rank them 9th on my list and were very hard
to leave out.
Aztec Empire (or any other Pre-European American Empire):
Why:
Because they ruled the America’s which is so much cooler than stinky plaque ridden Europe. They built cool pyramids
like those Egyptian guys and wore cooler battle attire than the British. They were masters of their continent for centuries
on end before Europeans came and spoiled the party.
Why
not: I was kidding about the cool uniforms, running around half naked (and that was fully clothed) with spears isn’t
going to help you beat to many armies. When the (fully clothed and armored) Europeans came they folded like a cheap suit.
Cortez literally walked to the Aztec capital and took it over. These guys never fought anything near significant to be considered
a real power.
Israel:
Why:
Because these guys kicked Arab butt! As soon as they declared independence the whole world it seems declared war on them,
the second holocaust seemed like it was calling, the west had all but abandoned them in the desert known as the Middle East
most had just recently moved to, and they won and took Jerusalem for themselves. They fought numerous wars with their neighbors
where a defeat would wipe Israel from the map and they won them all. No nation has had so many against them and walked away
with more territory. Now most Arab nations try and fight Israel in the UN rather than on the battlefield.
Why
not: Because while they’ve won every war they been in up to present day they just don’t have the long history
that the others do or the world wide influence others have. Also they beat up on a bunch on Arabs armed with loser approved
Soviet gear. I’d put them 11th on the list.
Islamic Empire:
Why:
Because these guys have holy fury that no one else has ever had before or since. After the prophet ascended to heaven
Islam grew in the region and built unity the Middle East hadn’t experienced at that point. After unifying the Arab
peoples the followers of Islam built an Empire that covered most of Spain and went all the way into India. Besides the military
conquest they made strides in everything from science to the arts. Also they didn’t suffer form the moral depravity
that most great empires suffer from. But it all came to an end when the Mongols captured the Caliph of Baghdad and had him
trampled by horses to death in a sack (ouch!). After that, things just fell apart to the point the Christians got Spain and
a chunk of the Middle East.
Why
not: Because as great as they were they weren’t unified in a sense we think of countries today. It was more like
a Brotherhood with Beys ruling small chunks of territory and helping each other out when crazy Christians ran around screaming
crusade. While them not being a country knocks them off the list also losing to the only real match they had (Mongols) didn’t
help and neither did losing to screaming Christians with their totally awesome “everyone charge to the center”
tactics. Despite that I’d put them 10th on the list because they were cool (I know that’s not really
a good justification but still they were cool).
Russian Empire/Soviet Union/ Russia/Huge Mess:
Why:
I don’t know that’s what you should be asking yourself if you were wondering where Russia was during the tournament.
Why
not: Because they suck! I know that’s not politically correct but still there’s no getting around the facts.
Yeah they have the biggest country in the world but look at it! Most of it is Siberia that no one lives in, I mean seriously
a meteor crashed into Siberia leveling miles of forest and no one was hurt and on one even knew it happened! In Siberia some
people ask who the current Czar is. Enough of Siberia and back to the lovely “motherland”, Russia has had psychos
rule the country and makes you wonder if they just had a huge lottery where the winner is president if they’d be better
off. Sure they were the reason the Allies won World War II but they did it with bodies stacked as high as Stalin’s ego.
Russian soldiers are good for one thing, dying and still having lots more to die; the enemy will run out of bullets and have
to retreat before Russia runs out of men. They’ve lost wars to countries that had never fought wars before (Finland),
just created (Post WWI Poland and Finland), and “backwoods countries” (Afghanistan and Japan). I wonder why France
gets all the heat for sucking and these guys don’t, sure France has lost a couple of times but they do know what victory
tastes like. Face it, Russia sucks as a military power.
Confederate States of America
Why:
Obviously if you were wondering when General Lee would get his chance to defeat those damn yanks you are from the south and
worship the southern trinity (for those not in the know it is a triangle with God on top, Jesus on the bottom right, and General
Robert E. Lee on the bottom left). Sure they had great commanders but they lost the only war they were ever in.
Why
not: 1. they no longer exist. 2. The Republic of Texas lasted longer than them. 3. Only one country recognized them internationally.
4. They lost the only war they’ve ever been in.
Insert any Mega Ancient Empire that totally dominated the region of the Middle East:
Why:
Because dude they were totally awesome! They like dominated the region before there were even Romans! And the conquered
ancient Israel (yeah that narrows the list to about 1000)! Seriously though of the ones that fit that category only Persia
is worthy of mention. They were a huge power that had staying power and they dominated the region and were feared by the Greeks,
who everyone loves for some reason.
Why
not: Because most of these “greats” were just carbon copies of the dominate power before it. One empire would
have a great king that would conquer the region (conquering Israel was a must for any empire like having huge rims is for
rap stars today) then the king would die and another great empire would come and conquer the whole region (Israel included).
They had no staying power and had no real sizeable opponent to beat; I mean Persia lost to the Greeks who were also fighting
themselves in the process.
Carthage and Macedonian Greece:
Why:
Because they had the greatest generals of all time! Hannibal would have made the Americans cry with his ability to maneuver
and Alexander the Great was called “the Great” for a reason, he would have given the Great Khan a run for his
money. Their respective countries also had huge amounts of territory and lasted centuries before the Romans (see why they made the list) destroyed them both.
Why
not: Because this is a battle between civilizations and not just great generals. Seriously name a general in those countries
besides the two mentioned above (and don’t mention their fathers please). Macedonia Greece started to fall apart as
soon as Alexander died and Carthage could never beat the only real competition they had. While they are great they aren’t
one of the Greats.
